It's Been 5 Years

This post is prematurely written but it's around this time every year for the past 5 that I feel very down. Inconsolably so. This time 5 years ago I was extremely unwell and unaware of an incoming diagnosis of type 1 diabetes. I don't remember much, but the bits I do come back in upsetting flashbacks. Being sick and frail. Being in intensive care (The food was good tho). Nurses failing to insert a cannula, resulting in blood, pain and a long-lasting fear of people touching my wrists. 

I feel down because I don't think I can talk about it to anyone because no one knows what to say. You can't tell me "everything will be okay" or "one day they'll be a cure". No one can promise me anything. No doctors or specialists or scientists or ANYONE. No one can help. Knowing that is the worst. I don't expect anyone to know what to say, because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't know what to say either. I just wish someone could say something comforting. Something to take my mind off it all. 

I want to talk about it. I want to tell people how I'm feeling. How every day is a struggle. How scary it is to not know what may happen in the future. A low blood sugar could kill me. A high blood sugar could send me into DKA. I could lose my sight. I could lose the function of my organs. I could lose feeling in my feet. Will it be safe for me to have children? Will they be okay? Will a future partner want to deal with it all? Will I live a shorter life than everyone else around me?

These thoughts on a daily basis are A LOT.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a battle worth fighting, it comes with so much work and the possibility of complications, and can I really be bothered? Some days I can't. But sometimes when I have some perfect readings, the weight is lifted somewhat.

Every anniversary I think a lot about my mortality, in like a 'holy shit I very nearly died' kind of way. I'm lucky to be alive and grateful because some type 1's aren't as fortunate. Also, thank god for the NHS.

Diabetes is a tight balance of living and dying. How strange is it that my insulin pens I use have the power to both keep me alive and kill me? Thinking about it is weirdly comforting, like THANK YOU medicine for keeping me alive on a daily basis, but also terrifying, one small misjudgement of insulin could be dangerous. 

I literally juggle my existence every day and I have never been good at juggling.

There's more bad than good with my condition. I've been thinking about this blog post for a while, trying to think of the good things that come with diabetes. I've been racking my brains and to be honest, I haven't come up with much and it's depressing. If there's one thing that has improved since being diagnosed is my awareness of my health, what I'm eating and drinking, and caring for myself. I'm more aware of what actually goes into my food, conscious of nutrition. Another good thing is my extensive knowledge about diabetes. I enjoy talking about it and explaining it to people.

Here's to 5 years living with diabetes. I'll probably eat something super sweet on the actual day (4th July) as I normally do as a treat!