Story time
Let's rewind 3 weeks. I woke up one morning and I quite frankly had had enough. I rescheduled my doctors appointment as one had popped up for that afternoon. Then comes a stressful journey to the doctors because it was the first time I had attended the surgery. After ending up outside of Bath and close to Chippenham, and walking up the biggest, steepest hill known to man in 28+ degree weather without passing out, I somehow made it.
I sat in the waiting room nervous. So nervous I entered my details wrong in the signing-in screen. I was already hot and sweaty, add in a wave of anxiety and nerves and I thought I might melt, and be nothing but a puddle. After waiting for what felt like hours, I was called in by a doctor. A doctor I'd never seen before, but I'm not sure if that made it easier for what I was about to say.
My voice disappeared, I was scared and slightly ashamed/embarrassed for how I was feeling. I felt stupid that my brain wasn't functionally as well it should, I felt like the only one. My voice didn't feel like mine, but somehow I managed to pour my little heart out to the GP.
My mind was chaotic with all the things that could possibly be wrong. I explained how I'm constantly anxious, in nearly every single situation no matter how silly and irrational. Irrational being the most important word when referring to my feelings of anxiety. Nearly everything I worry about is irrational, but it doesn't lessen the feelings. I worry about everything. I spoke about how overwhelming diabetes is and waking up knowing that I have to do it all again. That sometimes the eat/inject/survive routine is too much.
"How's your self esteem?", the kind and concerned doctor asked. "I find it hard to go out sometimes because I hate people looking at me.", I revealed.
What I didn't reveal was the true extent of it, of bailing on so many things because the thought of people looking at me can literally make me cry and prevent me from leaving the house. Imagine hating your face so much that crying and panicking in public is a regular occurrence. Not fun.
My mind was chaotic with all the things that could possibly be wrong. I explained how I'm constantly anxious, in nearly every single situation no matter how silly and irrational. Irrational being the most important word when referring to my feelings of anxiety. Nearly everything I worry about is irrational, but it doesn't lessen the feelings. I worry about everything. I spoke about how overwhelming diabetes is and waking up knowing that I have to do it all again. That sometimes the eat/inject/survive routine is too much.
"How's your self esteem?", the kind and concerned doctor asked. "I find it hard to go out sometimes because I hate people looking at me.", I revealed.
What I didn't reveal was the true extent of it, of bailing on so many things because the thought of people looking at me can literally make me cry and prevent me from leaving the house. Imagine hating your face so much that crying and panicking in public is a regular occurrence. Not fun.
Feeling a little lighter, she talked me through the options available. I'd been here before, I knew all the various talking therapies available and felt a bit letdown as she went through them, as if that's all she could do for me. Make me talk to someone and hope my anxiety disappears. I felt failed and disappointed. That I was just another depressed patient they didn't know exactly what to do with because I wasn't at risk of serious harm to myself.
What I truly wished for, knowing it was impossible, was one single tablet that could make it all disappear, make the thoughts in my head calm down. But we all know, life isn't that easy, it never will be. Life isn't linear. There's no quick fix to feeling happy and excited about life. It's about finding what's right for you, what makes you feel better and what you can do on a daily basis to improve your mood.
What I truly wished for, knowing it was impossible, was one single tablet that could make it all disappear, make the thoughts in my head calm down. But we all know, life isn't that easy, it never will be. Life isn't linear. There's no quick fix to feeling happy and excited about life. It's about finding what's right for you, what makes you feel better and what you can do on a daily basis to improve your mood.
Then, adding a little more to my disappointment, she suggested anti-depressants. I'd been here before too. I've been on an SSRI before and it didn't work for me, so I was apprehensive. I voiced my worries about medication and she suggested a different one, Sertraline. She recommended it mostly for my anxiety.
I was anxious to start them (OBVIOUSLY. I AM ANXIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING.) My dose began at half a tablet for 4 days, then one tablet a day afterwards. I experienced a handful of side-effects, including nausea, dizziness, painful headaches, loss of appetite and fatigue. The loss of appetite affected me the most, for someone who eats A LOT and is always hungry and snacking. Food wasn't appealing, it still isn't really. Feeling tired is a pain in the ass too, I'm sleeping a lot, 10-12 hours a night and still, it doesn't feel enough. I think I could sleep for a couple of weeks straight.
How am I feeling right now? Positive and optimistic. For once. I feel softer and relaxed. You know how watching someone paint can be gentle and soothing? That's my mood right now. Just floating by, hoping things get better and I return to my regular, less anxious self soon.
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