How I See Myself

Something I struggle with is how I look to others. It shouldn't matter, really, but it does. I worry about my body, my shape, and fear how I see myself is not how others see me. My perception of myself is wildly different to everyone else's. 

I've been researching BDD - Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which is the anxiety felt about one's body, and how your perception of yourself is distorted. 

I've always had a inkling that it's what I experience. I experience a deep anxiety about my body and certain aspects of my appearance. I know I am a healthy weight for my frame but there's a voice nagging at me everyday that I am, in fact, much bigger than I think I am, and that other people notice it. I have a very distorted view of my body and appearance. The voice is lying to me and I'm desperately trying to block it out by running, eating good, nutritious foods (With the occasional treat because balance!) and wearing clothes that suit me, which at the moment includes any silky or velvet culotte style trousers. I want them all, especially these ones from New Look. (Someone treat a devastatingly poor university student.)

Running helps me a great deal, it has changed my whole perspective on my body. I don't always look at it in terms of size or aspects I think are imperfect. Running helps me look at my body and appreciate it for its strength, for how much it does for me on a daily basis, for how far my little legs can take me. I think about how my body cares for me and keeps me alive, instead of constantly trying to change parts of me, constantly trying to shrink to be happy, because, quite frankly, I believe losing weight will never make me happy. It's a temporary satisfaction. To be truly happy, I have to change my mindset and beliefs, and want to improve myself mentally instead of physically. Yes, being physically fit is excellent, and I love exercising and eating good but it can come with negative thoughts too. I think finding a form of exercise you really enjoy is an important part of accepting your body for how it is, once you find an exercise you enjoy it won't always feel like a gruelling activity, which exercise is so often deemed to be. 

This year is about improving myself (Sorry for being a walking cliche). I think I have a few things I need to work on, one of them being how I see myself and how others see me. I am learning to accept my body, learning that my weight fluctuates, and learning to trust it. I trust my body when I eat something 'unhealthy'. But what is unhealthy? There's an awful amount of discourse about what's good for you, what's bad for you, but honestly, eat that doughnut or slice of cake, but also eat your veggies.

I trust my body because it trusts me. My body knows I balance everything out. I eat pizza and cheese and cake, but I eat vegetables, fruit and complex carbohydrates too. I exercise and drinks lots of water, but wine too, because that's completely okay. And I'm trying to avoid this whole 'clean eating' rigmarole because it's not a healthy concept for me, as I have an obsessive and controlling personality. I'm trying to change my negative eating and body habits for positive, confidence building habits.

Here's to 2018 and loving my body for once, and not punishing myself for eating some chocolate. Life is too short to care about how much of what you are eating, within limits of course, this isn't me telling you to eat 20 doughnuts in one day because you can. Remember balance!