University Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be

It's 7:45pm on a Saturday evening, I'm alone in my flat without any thoroughly exciting plans. This is normal for me. This isn't a pity party, this is me being completely honest about how I feel about my uni experience. 

There's this wild assumption that university will be the best years of your life, full of fun and socialising and alcohol, but it isn't. Not for me anyway, and probably not for many others. I'm an introvert and I do enjoying socialising but I require time alone to recharge. And honestly, I don't know how to properly communicate with anyone. I recently read something about how all the children who were 'quiet and shy' at school never properly learned how to communicate and interact with people, and I feel that, so hard.

Sometimes I go days without talking to anybody other than a cashier in the shop, and even then that isn't proper communication, I'm not engaged with that person I'm just being polite and desperately wanting to get out of the shop without any embarrassing social interactions. I live with one other person and it's great, I love our friendship and I'm grateful for it. But that's it. She is my one friend. It feels utterly pathetic to admit I have one friend at university. For some reason I feel ashamed and guilty, like I'm not trying hard enough to make friends. I look at other students, other friendship groups and think "How do you do it?"

In my lectures and seminars I have 'friends', but we're not on the same level as my flat mate and I. Talking with her comes easy and natural, other people not so much. I worry about everything, from my contribution to the conversation, whether people are looking at me, if I'm making any coherent sense and if anyone is even listening to me. I want more friends that I can text and make plans with without any anxiety, but it's hard for me to find that connection with someone. I know I would probably have more friends if I just made plans with people, but it's not that, it's the anxiety I feel about making friends. My anxiety manifests itself in 'What if they don't really like me and they're pretending?" "What if people know I don't have many friends?" "Am I saying enough in this conversation?" 

I'm comfortable talking to people, dare say I'm confident but it's making that step. I don't know how to make friends, make a connection and maintain it. Quite frankly I'm rubbish at keeping in contact. 

Most days I'm more than okay with being by myself. I like going to places and exploring and shopping by myself. Unless I'm with my flat mate. My hobbies are quite solitary. I read a lot. I write a lot and my preferred writing setting is in silence. I run, by myself because that's the way I like it. Knitting and embroidery is another solitary hobby, they don't require communication unless it's part of a group. 

But some days, and seemingly more often now in second year, I feel lonely. It's upsetting and emotionally exhausting. Sometimes I'm sick of being my own company. I fill the silence with music and podcasts and books and binge-watching shows. The sadness that comes with being lonely is enough to question everything, question why I'm in uni and maybe I'd be happier back home surrounded by my family and not having to endure long periods of being by myself. My current mindset is I'd be happier quitting uni, moving back home and getting a job. University is hard, so fucking hard. 

On other hand, I absolutely love my course and my studies feel me with such an immense joy. I love living independently, doing things for myself on my own time. I love living away from home, excluding the bouts of homesickness. I love the city I live in, I love its history and culture. I love the bookshops. I love the architecture. I love it all.

So now what? I hope I'm not the only lonely lil potato out there.

How's your university experience? Do you feel the need to fulfil expectations?

(Bath Spa campus is extraordinarily beautiful)